Thursday, October 27, 2005

I Want to Do the Impossible

I'm about to do something crazy. I'm not sure why. To fight against the meaninglessness of it all, some sort of existentialist gesture? Or, like I hope, to get something going, get the gears moving, get off the humdrum track and into the wilderness.

I want to fight bears and tigers. I want to jump on an eagle's back. I want to run across a lava field. I want to touch the floor of the abyss.

I want out, basically.

The great thing about being alone is that I can over dramatize my life and it'll seem real. There's no one to contradict me, or pull me back down to earth, or into the light.

I've had it, really, with all that surrounds me and fills me. I want a new hand of cards, a fresh plate. I want to be born in another place, another time.

What do I want to do? It's not just one thing anymore. Not a field, or career, or project. I want to change the assumptions, the premises, the foundations. I want to go deep down and decide for myself.

I don't want to end up as anything. I want to be there, in that place, as that person, in an instant. At the snap of my fingers, upon making a decision, I want my eyes and my world to change. I want my heart to turn inside out.

I don't want to have to justify or rationalize what I do anymore. I don't want to have to understand or explain myself anymore. I just want to know or not know and be okay with it all and move on anyway to do sure things, fantastic, unimaginable things. I just want to do and do and do, with no doubt or hesitation.

7 comments:

urban chicken said...

Dear Wensleydale, I found your via a Wallace and Grommit news article; being new to the world of cheese I google imaged your name and there, amidst the white rounds and the precious-looking ewes, was your profile photo. You put it there so you know it attracts attention. Did you know you are first page?

You -- the personna here on your blog that seems to be real -- are: [any compliment I offer would be summarily deconstructed]. Your writing reminds me of a dear friend who passed out on my couch last night in food coma, too much pie. It was a meaningful read so thanks.

Best wishes on reinventing yourself. Go for it. Constant reinvention is a high standard. My friends are self-constructed entities, which is why we are such bloggers; it allows an awareness that everyone else is too. When we are aware, which is not often here in California. Bears and tigers are good but beware false ones. So many housecats that roared.

Sad to hear about your injury. You mentioned cuts on your arm -- are you a cutter?

Living without hesitation, that is hard.

Okay, nothing to sell, no services to offer, no expectations or agenda. I will not try to convert you to any religion. If I ever start that literary magazine I've been dreaming about I will ask if you want to contribute.

-- * me *

fallenboi said...

Linking you because...well, you rock.

pinky said...

Hi Wensleydale,

I really like your blog. Is it okay if I interview you for a story? It's about Pinoy bloggers.

If it's okay, how do I get in touch with you (aside from this very public comments page).

Please do email me: pinky_arreola@yahoo.fr

Thanks a lot! Looking forward to meeting you.

prezader said...

Sounds like an identity crisis. You do know what happens next, don't ya'? Every feeling is dramatically amplified, and yes, that includes your memories girl. Everything about you will still be there, except it has more emphasis - cascading, even more suffocating. If you wanne do all those things, do it for the fun of it, not because you are not sure who you are, or why you are what you are.

Of course you could just be rambling...

Stop smoking, use sunscreen, and try to be more gentle with all that eggplant around you.

Was in the Philippines a few months ago, Tagaytay was nice especially during dusk and dawn. The distant howling of the mongrels, the breeze, the low clouds, all that darkness... You could literally watch the polluted run off from the metro ever so slowly creeping into the area - such a shame.

Next time, stay overnight, don't just go there for the quickie, experience nature, perhaps your proverbial eagle will come and give you a ride, eh.

J.S.S. said...

You have me hooked, lady. Each post takes me to a journey -- seing the world in your eyes. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

please come back!!!

Anonymous said...

You are a great writer ... i hope we can be friends